


His Cross

by Innocentfighter



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Claustrophobia, Drabble, Gen, Implied Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Introspection, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Star Trek: Into Darkness, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 11:50:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7800742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Innocentfighter/pseuds/Innocentfighter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim develops claustrophobia after the warp core, he decides on how he's going to handle it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Cross

**Author's Note:**

> Drabble time before school starts. Based on a few personal headcanons. The main one being that after the warp core (I know, 4years late to the party), he developed claustrophobia. The other’s are briefly mentioned. Also I know I said that I would write something plot driven but I want to get caught up in the pieces out of my notebook I actually finished first. Enjoy!

Many would say Jim Kirk had never been afraid of anything. It was a false statement, one he had never bothered to correct. In fact, he knew it intimately. He’d been afraid of the monster under his bed (4), Frank (7-13), Kodos (13-14, current?), Ruth (16-19), and he had known it when he died. Fear had been as constant as his longing to be something more.

What he had no experience with were phobias. He’d never had one. But he was sure he knew what they felt like now, because looking at the shower made his chest tight and skin tingle. His mind was back in that warp chamber, where he scarcely had room to enough room to lay down flat.

For several minutes he looked at that shower, clean white tiles glistened. There was room for him to touch both walls with his arms spread eagle. It was... small. Eventually he gave up trying to shower that night and wandered back into his bedroom, his mind a mess of death and panic.

If he couldn’t get over this could he go out in the black again?

Bones and Spock could help him get over it. Jim didn’t want to keep relying on them, he’d done it so much in recent days. Besides he had just gotten his autonomy back, Bones would probably want to come and check on his mental health.

So if his hands shook every time he turned on the water or anytime he got into a cramped space (which happens more than one would think on a Starship), it would be only something he knew. 

Just like how the crew would never know that the warp core was as much self-sacrificial and selfless as it was a suicide attempt and selfish. It was also like how they wouldn’t know that it felt like he had to force each breath into his lungs and his heartbeat didn’t feel like his.

They’d suffered enough because of him. The looks he would get if he told them he might be afraid of small, enclosed spaces (and despite her size in comparison that’s exactly what the enterprise was) and the face Bones would make. The thought alone was enough to make him want to crawl back into that chamber.

No, this was his cross to bear.

**Author's Note:**

> Who here can spot all of my headcanons? I think there's 7 overall not counting the popular headcanons/ implied in canon ones (this canon not the old one). Please leave your comments and kudos down below. Thanks for reading!


End file.
